Put a Banana in your Ear!

Wash. Biol. Surv.

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated:

Wash. Biol. Surv.

until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:

“Dear Sirs:
While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you, it was horrible.”

The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.

The Deaf Man

The mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were ‘protecting’. Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job — if he were to get caught, he wouldn’t be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.

Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money, and stashes it in a safe place. The mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can’t communicate with them, so the mafia drags the guy to an interpreter.

The mafia hood says to the interpreter, “Ask him where da money is.”

The interpreter signs, “Where’s the money?”

The deaf replies, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

The interpreter tells the hood, “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”

The hood pulls out a .38 pistol and pushes the barrel into the ear of the deaf collector. “NOW ask him where da money is.”

The interpreter signs, “Where is the money?”

The deaf man signs, “The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate.”

The interpreter says to the hood, “He says he still doesn’t know what you’re talking about and doesn’t think you have the guts to pull the trigger!”

Not A Bright Idea…

A New York man is alleged to have tried to open an account at a bank, four days after robbing it.

Police claim Jack Schreiner is the same man who held up the Queens branch of Chase Manhattan.

Staff telephoned police saying they recognized him when he came in four days later.

He has been charged with robbery.

It is alleged Schreiner passed a note to an assistant and was given $7,791 (about £5,500) during the robbery, reports the New York Daily News.

Lion Talks Diet

Drumming

An explorer was leading an entourage through the Amazon jungle when they heard the sounds of drums. At the next village, the leader stopped a native and asked him to explain their meaning. “Bad, real bad when drums stop!” he said before running off. The drum beating continued to pulsate. The safari leader asked another native about it. “Bad, real bad when drums stop!” he said. A few minutes later the drums did stop, and all the expedition members became panicked. The leader grabbed another villager and demanded to know the situation…

“Bad, real bad that drums stopped,” he blurted. “Now comes bass solo!”

Delete Life?

How To Be Annoying

1. Use homonyms in your e-male that the spell cheque would knot sea as miss steaks.

2. Pretend to be from different ethnic backgrounds every hour, and when people ask you about it, answer like a hillbilly would.

3. Act like a hillbilly. Period.

4. Improvise Italian operas.

5. Gossip about someone to their face.

6. Answer every question with a question.

7. Repeat yourself constantly.

8. Act like a member of the opposite sex.

9. Repeat yourself constantly.

10. Act like Mr. Flanders from The Simpsons.

11. Repeat yourself constantly.

Farmer Joe’s Accident

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. “Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’?” said the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the…….”

“I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted, “just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’”

Farmer Joe said, “Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…”

The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie.”

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, “Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her – how are you feeling?”

Insurance Claim

(TRUE – Straight from the Virginia State Police, Insurance Fraud Division, Dinwiddie County)

A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a box of very rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against fire, among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that the cigars were lost “in a series of small fires.” The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued and won.

In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed that the claim was frivolous. He stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what is considered to be “unacceptable fire,” and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000.00 for the rare cigars he had lost in the “fires.”

After the man cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on twenty-four counts of ARSON. With his own insurance claim and testimony for the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to twenty-four months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.

Life After Death

“Do you believe in life after death?” the boss asked one of his employees.

“Yes, sir,” the new recruit replied.

“Well, then, that makes everything just fine … ” the boss went on. “After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she stopped in to see you.”

Army Insurance

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’ sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, “If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don’t have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.”

“Now,” he concluded, “which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?”

The Bank Robber

A True Story…

In San Francisco, a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into a local branch and wrote, “this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag.”

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and that they might call the police before he even reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it, noticing all of his spelling errors. She quickly surmised that he wasn’t the brightest light in the harbor.

Then she told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said “OK” and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Optimism

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, on the twins’ birthday, their father loaded the pessimist’s room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist’s room, he loaded with horse manure.

That night the father passed by the pessimist’s room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

“Why are you crying?” the father asked.

“Because my friends will be jealous, I’ll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I’ll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually break,” answered the pessimistic twin.

Passing the optimistic twin’s room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. “What are you so happy about?” he asked.

To which the optimistic twin replied, “There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!”

Detektivbyrån – The Making Of “Wermland”

A really weird song….it’s just weird….but in some warped way funny….

Dinosaurs Go RAWR!

One of my favorite songs! :D Turn your sound up — there are lyrics in the video.

FBI Pizza

The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and International Studies report on GLOBAL ORGANIZED CRIME; the author who introduces the story swears it’s true.

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.

The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.

Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.
Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: We’re over at the psychiatric hospital.
Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That’s right. I’m an FBI agent.
Pizza Man: You’re an FBI agent?
Agent: That’s correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza Man: And you’re at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That’s correct. And make sure you don’t go through the front (go) to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.
Pizza Man: And you say you’re all FBI agents?
Agent: That’s right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?
Agent: That’s right. We’ve been here all day and we’re starving.
Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?
Agent: I have my checkbook right here.
Pizza Man: And you’re all FBI agents?
Agent: That’s right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.
Pizza Man: I don’t think so.
Click.

Everyone Laugh Please.

The trials and tribulations of our sons, daughters, parents, and friends in the military:

In a lecture to a group of Korean officers, Lieutenant General Bruce C. Clarke, at that time deputy commander of the Eighth Army in Korea, took two or three minutes to tell his favorite joke. His interpreter then quickly translated the joke, using only seven or eight words. Everyone immediately burst into hearty laughter. After the lecture General Clarke asked the interpreter how he had been able to retell such a relatively long joke so quickly.

“Well, sir,” the Korean interpreter replied, “I didn’t think everyone would get the point, so I said, ‘The general has just told a joke. Everyone will please laugh.’”

Dial 999!

We’re Always Open!

Windows

Tech Support: “Do you have any windows open right now?”

Customer: “Are you crazy woman, it’s twenty below outside!”

Microsoft Support

A pilot is flying a small, single-engine, charter plane with a couple of really important executives on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so thick that visibility is 40 feet, and his instruments are out. He circles looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very nervous.

At last, through a small opening in the fog he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window: “Hey, where am I?”. The solitary office worker replies: “You’re in an airplane.”. The pilot immediately executes a swift 275 degree turn and executes a perfect blind landing on the airport’s runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the engines cough and die from lack of fuel. The stunned passengers ask the pilot how he did it.

“Elementary,” replies the pilot, “I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100% correct but absolutely useless; therefore, I knew that must be Microsoft’s support office and from there the airport is three minutes away on a course of 87 degrees.”

Talented Engineer

The authorities were leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They asked the priest if he wanted to face up or down when he meets his fate.

The priest said that he would like to face up so that he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. So, they raise the blade of the guillotine, release it and it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck.

The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.

Next the drunkard comes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it and it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck.

So, the authorities release the drunkard as well.

Next is the engineer. He also decides to die facing up. They slowly raise the blade of the guillotine when suddenly the engineer shouts, “WAIT!!!… I think the problem is right there where the cable is binding!!!”

Printer Problems

I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard’s DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn’t solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow.

For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas.

After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, “Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?”

If Life Were Like A Computer

You could add/remove someone in your life using the control panel.
You could put your kids in the recycle bin and restore them when you feel like it!
You could improve your appearance by adjusting the display settings.
You could turn off the speakers when life gets too noisy.
You could click on Search to recover your lost remote control and car keys.
To get your daily exercise, just click on “run”!
If you mess up your life, you could always press CTRL+ALT+DEL and start all over!

Boss

A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, “The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars.”
“Why does that parrot cost so much?” the man wondered.
The owner replied, “Well, it knows how to use a computer.”
The man asked about the next parrot on the perch.
“That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.” Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot.
“That one costs 2,000 dollars.”
“And what does that one do?” the man asked.
The owner replied, “To be honest, I’ve never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss!”

Great Writer

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define “great” he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”
He now writes error messages for Microsoft Corporation.