According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated:

Wash. Biol. Surv.

until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:

“Dear Sirs:
While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you, it was horrible.”

The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.

The mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were ‘protecting’. Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job — if he were to get caught, he wouldn’t be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.

Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money, and stashes it in a safe place. The mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can’t communicate with them, so the mafia drags the guy to an interpreter.

The mafia hood says to the interpreter, “Ask him where da money is.”

The interpreter signs, “Where’s the money?”

The deaf replies, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

The interpreter tells the hood, “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”

The hood pulls out a .38 pistol and pushes the barrel into the ear of the deaf collector. “NOW ask him where da money is.”

The interpreter signs, “Where is the money?”

The deaf man signs, “The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate.”

The interpreter says to the hood, “He says he still doesn’t know what you’re talking about and doesn’t think you have the guts to pull the trigger!”

A New York man is alleged to have tried to open an account at a bank, four days after robbing it.

Police claim Jack Schreiner is the same man who held up the Queens branch of Chase Manhattan.

Staff telephoned police saying they recognized him when he came in four days later.

He has been charged with robbery.

It is alleged Schreiner passed a note to an assistant and was given $7,791 (about £5,500) during the robbery, reports the New York Daily News.

An explorer was leading an entourage through the Amazon jungle when they heard the sounds of drums. At the next village, the leader stopped a native and asked him to explain their meaning. “Bad, real bad when drums stop!” he said before running off. The drum beating continued to pulsate. The safari leader asked another native about it. “Bad, real bad when drums stop!” he said. A few minutes later the drums did stop, and all the expedition members became panicked. The leader grabbed another villager and demanded to know the situation…

“Bad, real bad that drums stopped,” he blurted. “Now comes bass solo!”

1. Use homonyms in your e-male that the spell cheque would knot sea as miss steaks.

2. Pretend to be from different ethnic backgrounds every hour, and when people ask you about it, answer like a hillbilly would.

3. Act like a hillbilly. Period.

4. Improvise Italian operas.

5. Gossip about someone to their face.

6. Answer every question with a question.

7. Repeat yourself constantly.

8. Act like a member of the opposite sex.

9. Repeat yourself constantly.

10. Act like Mr. Flanders from The Simpsons.

11. Repeat yourself constantly.

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. “Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’?” said the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the…….”

“I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted, “just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’”

Farmer Joe said, “Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…”

The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie.”

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, “Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her – how are you feeling?”

(TRUE – Straight from the Virginia State Police, Insurance Fraud Division, Dinwiddie County)

A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a box of very rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against fire, among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that the cigars were lost “in a series of small fires.” The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued and won.

In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed that the claim was frivolous. He stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what is considered to be “unacceptable fire,” and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000.00 for the rare cigars he had lost in the “fires.”

After the man cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on twenty-four counts of ARSON. With his own insurance claim and testimony for the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to twenty-four months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.