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Facebook Trademarks “Book”

PALO ALTO, CALIFORNIA – In a move following the trademark of “face”, Facebook  is trademarking the use of the word “book”. Says Mark Zuckerberg, Facebook’s founder, “The trademarking of ‘book’ will definitely net us money that we need for Facebook’s future. All of Facebook’s users will thank us for the improved interface and faster speed that will follow the trademarking of ‘book’.” Apparently, people will now have to pay Facebook if they want to use the word “book” for commercial reasons. A preliminary royalty of 25% has been set, which means 25% of all book sales in industrialized countries will go to Facebook. The expected net income will be relatively $725 billion the first year, but protests by private companies as well as Apple (for its MacBook) are expected in the near future.

Sun Due To Burn Out By 2014

GREENBELT, MARYLAND – In an extraordinary turn of events, news is out that the world will not end in 2012. No, we have two more years — scientists are predicting the burning out of the sun in 2014. Apparently, for more than 40 years, scientists have been calculating the sun’s rate of energy consumption incorrectly. In this complicated chemical formula, helium & hydrogen are in some way calculated, and the result predicts the time the sun will burn out. The original number was 5 billion years…but scientists now say they have discovered a new factor in the formula. A new element, Zygon-B, has been discovered in the sun. It  is a mutation of elements after helium and hydrogen were formed erroneously, and carbon was fused into the molecule. The resulting element was Zygon-B, and this element has been sucking up the sun’s hydrogen for, scientists predict, 2-4 years now. NASA discovered this element in March, and after a complicated process involving recalculation and calibration of its projection systems, scientist Mary Okafta finally emerged with a conclusion: the sun would burn out in 2014. And when the sun burns out, it will not be a pretty sight. The sun would explode from the inside — that is, implode, and the explosion within the sun would expand the sun until it entirely engulfs the Earth and surrounding planets, essentially destroying all life on Earth. The blast would not be survivable.

Apple Announces Latest iDevice

CUPERTINO, CALIFORNIA – Steve Jobs has announced plans to release the latest iDevice. The iLite, a “premium” flashlight, will make its debut December 2, just in time for holiday shoppers looking for the latest gadgets and inventions for their loved ones, friends, and family. Jobs told CNET, “The iLite is really an amazing device. You will be able to connect it to your Mac or PC using a USB connector, and once connected, one will be able to download dozens of apps for his/her iLite using the newest section of the App Store, the Lite section.” Apparently, apps that can be used on the iLite will be priced at around $4.99 to $12.99 USD, and some of them may require certain hardware configurations or updates. We’ll find out all the secrets of this little device once it is released, so stay tuned!

Life-Form Signals Suggest Intelligence on Pluto

FRANCE – The French Centre National d’Études Spatiales (National Center of Space Research) reported to the Associated Press yesterday that their main big dish satellite, pictured on the left, received signals from deep space early in the morning of November 27, U.S. time. The signals, which were determined to be coming from Pluto, suggested radio activity on the planet and its surrounding airspace, which meant that ground communications as well as satellite communications may be prevalent on the once-planet. Centre National d’Études Spatiales spokeswoman Ethiers Voltaire told Reuters, “We are investigating these radio signals and have turned all our space satellites and ground dishes towards the source of the signals. Also, the French military has been put on medium alert, as we are preparing for attack from aliens determined to wreak havoc on France and the rest of the Earth. As of now, Prime Minister François Fillon is preparing a message to give to the Plutonians upon their arrival on Earth, and space shuttles are being fueled to provide evacuation routes for members of the French government and other important French citizens in the country.” We’ll keep you updated as the investigation into these mysterious signals unfolds.